Liveblogging Hillary

Before we get to Her Royal Craziness, we have had the honour [sic] of listening to the governour [sic] of Montana. I am struggling to refrain from waving my Stetson in the air and yelling "Yee-haw!" A few key transliterations:
Mawntaana
inergee indupeyndeyns
a draaaah well
Amayricuh
Burawk Obawma
fahv miiilyun greyn collur jawbs
fooowr moowr yeyars

And now:

"Hillary's for families!"
"Hillary Clinton is inspirational"
"Hillary!"
"Hill-a-ry!"

An alternatingly maudlin and inspirational video montage, narrated by Chelsea, and including a tribute to Hillary's bray. To sum up, "Look little girls! A woman can lose a primary too!"

mentions of 18,000,000 cracks in the glass ceiling so far: 2

Chelsea: "I'm proud to introduce my hero and my mother!"
Michelle, mentally: "That's two people, right?"

outfit: coral
lips: pursed

Me, me , me! Aren't I awesome?

Biden, mentally: "Don'tbeabitchdon'tbeabitch"

Another mention of the Hillary bray.

I will always remember . . . that bald single mom who adopts retarded kids and painted my name on her head, some kid whose loser mom got her hours cut at the hamburger stand, some gimp soldier, and, you know, a bunch of eager old biddies and little cherubs. Whatever.

But enough about me. Some people you've never heard of died this year. Howsabout that?

Green-collar jobs again? I believe we'vefound the epicenter of a mind-virus.

Gay rights? What? Gosh, thanks Hillary! Too bad you don't want us to get married.

Michelle: "Huh? What? I heard my name . . ."

Biden: "It's the home stretch, Clinton. Don'tbeabitchdon'tbeabitch . . ."

Wait a minute, what was that? A valid intellectual inquiry: Were you in it for me, or for kids/moms/broads/veterans?

I thought at first that I was imagining it, but she definitely hesitates every time she says Barack Obama.
"President . . . Obama!"
"It is time for us all to unite around . . . Barack Obama"
As if the words burn her Demon Lips.

To sum up, green-collar jobs, aww poor veterans, aww poor kiddies, vote for b, buh, Barack! I even might! America! Fuck Yeah! Glass ceiling! Oh wait: Harriet Tubman! She was black! Goodnight everybody!

And now, everybody, here's Methodist minister Chinky Kong with a benediction It's a prayer, just don't tell the atheists. They're total dicks about this shit.